Category Archives: Random ?

I left my phone in the back of a taxi, so I’m a fucking idiot

Dear iPhone 6 I’ve had for five months,

I really, really, miss you.

One freezing Friday morning (literally just the other day), you were in my jacket pocket. I had just finished an overnight shift, so I was drowsy and exhausted. I had an important interview in less than an hour, and in an attempt to get there faster, I decided to take a taxi.

That was mistake number one.

Once my colleague took over from me at work, I rushed downstairs and didn’t bother to put in my headphones. I wanted to keep my head clear, not filled with Nicki Minaj lyrics.

That was mistake number two.

As I ran to the lone orange cab on the curb, I held onto my phone cradled in my pocket, trying desperately to keep it inside. I didn’t want to put it in my jeans pocket because the denim darkens the phone case.

The was mistake number three.

Inside the cab, it was a still and awkward silence. I wasn’t in the mood to talk — I was tired after such a long shift, and I had been working since midnight. The driver didn’t seem all too eager, either.

I paid no attention to my surroundings and attempted to take a small nap. Before I knew it, however, I was at my location. I fumbled for the fare, tipped generously, and ran out of the cab without looking back.

The was mistake number four.

You know how this ends.

Since losing my phone, I’ve had exactly six people ask why I don’t take an Uber, five people wonder why I didn’t have Find My iPhone turned on, and a mere four people console my spiralling self.

My answer to all those questions?

Yeah, I’m really stupid.

Five dead giveaways someone is not from Toronto

 

1. They don’t complain about the weather

There are two variations for these anomalies. One is the sweet, sweet summer child hailing from some nicer, warmer place. They’re wearing board shorts or leggings in December, adamantly insisting they are completely fine surviving the five-minute walk to class, and really, who needs a hat anyways? All while you can physically see their fingers turning a dangerous shade of purple.

The other group is the overprepared, hardened northerners. Spot them rocking two pairs of socks, fleece pants, and a jacket that is probably better suited for alpine mountain-climbing than for a walk over to Con Hall. Don’t even think about mentioning that the -30ºC is a bit chilly – you will be in for a lecture about how ‘there is no such thing as too cold, only underdressed!’, and that your shivering, your midterm marks, and probably world hunger can all be solved by adding an insulation layer.

2. They make eye contact

Hold on, did that stranger you just passed on your way to Robarts — did they look you in the eye? Did they actually turn up their lips — into a smile? You haven’t seen one of those in years. Sure, we Torontonians pride ourselves in being polite — we’ll give you streetcar directions or chat about the best places to eat without a hitch, but actually acknowledging other people we don’t know? That would be a very different question.

3. They like the TTC

A genuine TTC compliment is the closest thing you can get to a cardinal sin in Toronto. If the subway gets to your station on time every day of the semester, you wouldn’t hear a peep. But god forbid if repairs (that coincidentally keep the same trains that we are riding from crashing into each other) close the subway for the weekend. You won’t hear the end of it.

Yes, we know that it’s technically one of the best transit systems in North America, but you don’t get your Toronto licence unless you bash the TTC at any given opportunity.

4. They suggest swimming in the lake

Ah, Lake Ontario. Every Torontonian knows that the mix of sewage, bacteria, weird plastic bits, and, more likely than not, a wide assortment of eldritch horrors is a swim you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy.

So, when you hear your new friend ask if they should bring a swimsuit to your trip to Scarborough Bluffs, be sure to chastise them.

5. They don’t drop the ‘T’

Do you remember that scene from Argo, where Ben Affleck corrects the Americans’ perfectly pronounced ‘To-ro-n-to’ into Toronto’s real name? That scene is 100% accurate.

Taranah is the one and only way to say our city’s name, preferably accompanied with a Tim Horton’s double-double in one hand and a Blue Jays shirt. If your friend actually pronounces Toronto how it should ‘technically’ be pronounced, you can bet that they also call the Skydome the Rogers Centre.

Dishes are for nerds

You’ve got a pile of dishes in the sink. Three plates on your desk, two cups on the dresser, and a pan on the nightstand. Cutlery litters your living space. All of it’s dirty, unusable, and you’re damn hungry. Not to mention, your roommate’s hookup is eating breakfast in the kitchen, and you’ve been really great so far about not making eye-contact, so let’s try to minimize our time in the kitchen as much as possible, alright?

Now all of this could have been prevented you know how?

One plate. One cup. One bowl. One fork, one knife, one spoon, and BOOM.

No dishes.

No cleaning, scrubbing, brushing, soaking, crying, none of it. Just rinse and reuse. Use hot water. Use your hands as the damn sponge if you need to. And, no kitchen necessary use the bathroom! Revolutionary.

You’re never gonna need more than two bowls at once. What are you, the Queen of England, eating a soup and salad before the meal? Yah alright, bud. Put the salad in a cup. Or eat the soup first, rinse it, then eat the salad after. Use the same fork for your pasta and your salad. The universe gave us lips and a tongue simply for this purpose.

Your dishes start to look kind of stained after a while, but if water alone doesn’t rinse it off, then it’s not contaminating your food, either. That’s science. I’ve done my research.

Hot date comes over? Okay, yeah, maybe you clean them. Or, or, or… you just hide them somewhere.

Nobody’s looking at you. Nobody cares. It’s cheaper. It’s better for the environment. Saves time. It’s brave, it’s bold. Do it.

Doing your dishes is for chumps; you’re not a chump, are you?